I Am This Woman

Today, I wrapped presents. I did eight or nine presents in 26 minutes. I think that was my best time ever, and I attribute it to the kitchen island being cleared away for wrapping, and the deadline of school pick-up to motivate me to wrap rather than stash all the unwrapped things yet again.

My first job was wrapping presents for a department store. I filled in for someone whose full-time seasonal job it was. She needed an afternoon off for some reason. I was the lowly temporary inventory clerk/daughter of the Personal Shopper, who was game to help. It was a wonderful afternoon.

People would come, hand over their sweaters, socks, belts, stemware, and pick a number from the 15 or 18 choices on the wall. The wrapstand had as many rolls of thick, shiny classy paper, in the latest colors and traditional red, gold and green. A cutter was built in so one could roll off the right amount of paper and then give it a satisfying RIP. The coordinating ribbons and the assortment of gift boxes were below in labeled bins. Once carefully tissue-papered and tucked into the right gift box, a present was a perfectly symmetrical object that could get wrapped with precisely creased and triangulated paper. Double-stick tape was hidden in seams. We also had tissue paper with the store logo, foil embossed stickers and other stick-on flourishes that gave it a department store finish.

Et voila! The finished present was good enough to eat or put under a designer tree. Rarely did anything come to Gift Wrap that couldn’t be boxed, wrapped and ribboned. Those dizzy women who swoon at the sight of a jewelry store box, or a Nordstrom’s sticker… that was our audience. We were going for the status and brand-conscious woman (both giver and receiver) with our shiny paper. It was a creative process using precision and pre-fab design, but still it was a triumph to stack up the boxes for customers who waited (im)patiently for their merchandise.

I haven’t ribboned, bowed or labeled any of the packages I did today. I got stopped and now wonder how did I give things from “Santa” all these years, while using the same paper as those packages from “Mom”? How is that not a total tip-off for the Kid? Maybe it’s just more of the Santa mystery. This year, I’ll be a little more cautious. Santa is going to make liberal use of the stocking hung by the chimney with care.

Let’s just say that THIS is a holiday classic in our house now. This links to a 49 second version (apparently videotaped from a computer monitor? does anyone have copyright to this?), but really to get maximum effect, you have to listen to THIS CONTINUOUS LOOP until your ears bleed. And whenever the phone does ring, it helps if the whole family starts singing and/or bouncing like cute little badgers.

Seriously, the first 40 times, it’s really cute and funny. The Kid is enjoying all the other versions, such as the Potter Banana Phone and the Simpsons… but I have housework to do. Come to think of it, so does he!

Leny the Lizard is a Tucson Banded Gecko who hitchhiked all the way from Tucson to Dallas in our moving van. When the movers arrived on a hot June day, and opened the big double doors, this little lizard hopped out and crawled into the grass.

The movers pointed him out, and my darling child looked at him. His tail was gone, perhaps in the crush of boxes or the vigorousness of jumping out. He looked at me with big eyes (the Kid, not the lizard), and that was that. We got a capture box and I took pity on him (both child and lizard).

One trip to the pet store and nearly $50 later, we had a reptile habitat and Leny was named, ensconced in the Kid’s room and happily dining on a teeny cricket or two. His tail grew back eventually. He waffles between mealworms and crickets as his favorite foods. Turn-ons: mealworm writhing. Turn-offs: cold weather.

Now is the winter of Leny’s discontent and it’s cold. He’s ok with it because he’s a lizard, but he spends his entire day and night under the lizard watering hole, which usually is empty. It’s more a beach attraction for the crickets who might live in the enclave for a few hours before becoming lunch. When he’s not dining or slinking around, Leny hangs out underneath the pond, like Hef in the Grotto.

I bothered him the other day to ascertain his status – living or dead? Alive. Dormant. Who turned on the lights?! he blinked, sides of his head pulsing quietly.

And there he stays, all day, under the pond – alone with his lizard thoughts, slithering through his winter lizard dreams.

Tomorrow, I will turn on the UV light, offer him some teeny crickets and see if he’s up for some caroling.

Thanks, Jette, Chip and esteemed panel. This entry is a Holidailies “Best of…”

In other blogs, at other times, I have always promised to write about Threadgill’s, and tonight’s the night.

Way way back in the 70s, when both my middle brother (four years older than me) and I lived at home, we became completely disenchanted grown-ups (20somethings), and decided to Go Out on Christmas Eve. The parental units were insisting on watching TV that night, instead of the usual candles and music, and besides, we pretty much knew the clockwork precision of how the evening (and the drinking) would go.

No, we were Big Kids now (albeit still living at home) and one of us could drive, so by god, we were Going Out. My brother and I never agreed on very much as kids or adults, but we did agree on one very important thing. If Threadgill’s is just a waystation on the road to Heaven, we are not going any farther because everything we could ever want from the Afterlife is on the menu at this Austin restaurant. (more…)

My last entry was tagged as a “Best of Holidailies.” I’m chuffed - it’s satisfying to know that one person or three reads your stuff and connects with it.

Speaking of satisfaction:

I heard this song Sunday on Prairie Home Companion, sung by my favorite performer of all time, Joe Ely. “A Satisfied Mind” (lyrics below) was recorded by Porter Waggoner, Bob Dylan, the Byrds, Faron Young and David Allen Coe, among others.

A long time ago, this word came up. Someone said that their goal was not to be married, famous or rich, but rather to have satisfying relationships. Satisfying. Not “happy.” He sought satisfaction, and he got a great marriage, a comfortable living and fame in his own tiny chosen circle of scholars. (more…)

Here are twelve things to do when your kid has you up in the middle of the night.

1. Make sympathetic noises while patting child on the back.
2. Turn on a closet light but shut the door as a get-well lowlight – stronger than night light.
3. Fix a glass of ice water, OJ, “cambric” tea*. Fix two - one for you, one for baby.
4. Offer pain reliever, cough drop, Mr. Snuggles.
5. Read cartoons online.
6. Read Cute Overload to cultivate more empathy on less sleep.
7. Reset that one clock that is out of line with recent “fall back.”
8. Plan the breakfast in four hours that will kick off a sick day, or fortify child for school.
9. Flirt with going back to sleep.
10. Ignore dog’s request to go outside.
11. Check moon phase and cloud status, both online and out the window.
12. Check for child’s regular steady breathing; stop flirting and go back to bed.

*Cambric tea is made by dunking the tea bag once in a cup of very hot water to color the water and make it slightly tea-flavored. Add honey, lemon and/or milk for child’s cuppa. So-called “cambric” because in the past when tea was brewed in reusable cambric (linen, muslin) sachets, it was enough to simply dunk a used cambric bag in the water to tinge it with tea-color and flavor.