Thanks For Calling!
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I have a total aversion to voice mail announcements. And this issue seems to be escalating in the roster of Annoying Things. Is there anyone who doesn’t know to wait for the beep?
When I get someone’s voice mail announcement, unless they have a habit of changing it to reflect some information I might need, I start pressing 1 or # or 0 at the very first opportunity. “Please listen to the menu as it has changed.” No, sorry. That part never changes!
THE.MOST.ANNOYING.voice mail menu ever is for Virgin Mobile. I had one for a brief time and “top-ups” had to be done by phone… the MUSIC! AUGHHHHHHHH! the hipster chicky-poo voice! AUGHHHHHHHHHH! They had voice recognition… so you COULD NOT press buttons. You had to SAY “TOP UP.” And you had to say it as though you were the coolest, poshiest of the Posh Spice Fangirls. I believe they hadn’t reckoned on the Texas accent when angered. So I got a lot of “Sorry, didn’t catch that. If you’d like to top up, say TOP UP.” I said a lot of things that rhyme with shuck off.
Another fave is when you dial customer service (this is well known and widespread now, no scoop here), and you are patched through to India. A guy who sounds like Apu on the Simpsons says, “‘ello, mai nem is Bradley. ‘ow may I ‘elp you?”
Now, I am a multi-cultural multi-national kind of girl. God bless “Bradley” and the gainful employment that he holds down for himself and his family. But do NOT tell me that a guy in a New Delhi call center is named BRADLEY. I am okay with out-sourced call services (sorta) but ‘fess up and let the “department name” be Ravi or Sanjay or Adnan. Us Merkins can actually pronounce these names!
Someone recently announced that they had call-center technology to detect anger, and that these calls get shunted into a new menu/call center. I’d like to see what that’s like.
***
Robot voice:
Hi, I have detected a hint of displeasure in your voice.
Press 1 if you are mildly ticked off.
Press 2 if you are more than a little put out.
Press 3 if you would like to speak to someone in charge, and not just a phone answerer, little missy.
Press 4 if you are perturbed.
Press 5 if you are shocked, appalled and dismayed……….
(a few moments later)
Press 54 if you present a danger to yourself and others…..
(a few more moments later)
Press 78 if you are going to load your semi-automatic weapon and find a clock tower.
Press 79 if you have armed a non-nuclear explosive device within 500 feet of a church, school, public park or non-governmental establishment that does NOT sell alcohol…
(caller presses button) 999999 stabby stabby
Robot voice:
Thank you, please hold while I transfer your call. You may hear a series of clicks. Do not hang up. We are tracing your call. If we are disconnected in error, please dial 911 and tell them your exact location, your terrorist threat level, your name and the names of your hostages.
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Maybe the best of all voice mail announcements is a FAX machine tone.